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Wow- I've gone from a long break, to being almost prolific in my creative flow- YAY!
AND, as you can see, I'm still getting messy and dirty.
YAY!
I feel that since I have been working with young people with similar felt experience to my own, the work I do feeds my internal creativity machinery, expanding always outward. One piece sparks three more, igniting ever more...
As I naturally deepen within myself through my art, my connection with important people in my life, my work and my yoga practice (to name but a few of my resources and tools), I imagine an exponential explosion of possibilities for inviting others to deepen their own felt- sense of healing. 
The complete inverse to where I was a year ago in my body/ mind of folding in on myself and away from others, I feel I am expanding, while being able to stay within my borders with greater and greater strength. Even while in the very difficult and painful process of integrating 55 plus years of subterfuge and cloaking my core with layers of neurosis, pathology, and generally unhealthy coping mechanisms, I witness the evidence of growth. It is so difficult in those moments of searing pain that push me to the edges of panic, to hang on to the forward momentum. I rely on my art, my connection with people in my life, my work, and yoga (to name but a few of my resources and tools- :-}) to help me grow my fingernails long enough to hang on a little longer. And then, when I have  externalized confirmation to my growth, and healing, I am able to take a full breath, and know, that even for a little while, I am really alright. 
Chaos, pain, and uncertainty ALWAYS return. But the span of moments that are 'alright' is longer. The depth of certainty that I realize is greater, and the quality of living and relationships becomes more beautiful- even in moments. 
Life, healing, are journeys. I bet you've never heard that before, or that there is no destination, or timetable within which we must arrive. 
Yes- I'm chuckling at myself. 
Because in the light of the momentary flares provided by a full breath, connection and conscious living, I remember all the messages and affirmations that are at the heart of my capacity to transform my self- awareness to this point. These truisms contain the information that my mind/ body/ soul need to continue lighting the path for myself and for others.
I hear the same message over and over- AGAIN from so many sources. I turn a deaf ear, hardly remembering at all that it was said or read at all. I ignore, or pretend that I don't understand. In the very next breath, I remember, allowing the richness of life to flood my senses, begetting even more full breaths, and the exponential possibilities of life and creativity forge their way to my consciousness...



I know that I will always to continue down the road- that leads from my gates, going to 'who- knows- where'. It will lead me through winter and finally into spring. The gates hold me back for just a bit, and then the key magically appears in my conscious mind. The magic that produces the 'key' may be a full breath, a new perspective, or the support and human warmth. And I see that the magic is ALSO the key, because without those pieces of magic in my life, I have no chance of deepening my awareness and connection. 

There will always be triggers in my life- the  inevitable chaos causing pain elicited by betrayals in the moment, that drive me into the past, leaving little option but to know myself more deeply.
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Knowing myself more deeply can be so horribly painful, and with sighs of relief, I realize it can also be deep play. I can walk through hidden doors to worlds of fantasy, remaining firmly planted- both feet on the ground. 
I had a 'play date' recently (thank you Maren- we should do that again. I'll make better tea.), A full afternoon of sometimes light exploration of materials and the felt- sense of working with different things in different ways, and sometimes deep engagement with material and process. I left this piece- melted crayon, pen, water colour... on canvas board, on my kitchen counter for a week following, adding dabs of ink here and there until it made sense to me. Every time I look at the piece I feel like I'm playing in my own Alice in Wonderland fantasia, complete with hidden elfin doors and faces peering from the very essence of the trees. 
It feels like joy.

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And this- another 'resist' painting: crayon, pastel, water colour and collage on paper is so full of movement and texture, so full of living.  It invites me into the vortex, the place where I am free to try on my feelings in 'different colours'. This is a place deep within myself where expansion occurs and I can go beyond the borders and boundaries so necessary in my life, in a safe and contained way, allowing for greater perception and deeper knowing. The unfolding of my soul happens here, awakening to the colours of being that I never knew existed.

There will always be triggers in my life, and they will leave me no option to know myself more deeply...
LUCKY ME!

And, as always, please comment, message or email me your thoughts comments...
namaste.


 


Comments

08/03/2016 12:47am

Creativity is the way to make yourself comfortable and attentive, those painting art is very creative and you share about it in detail which is quite impressive. And one more thing you’re writing skills are great keep going with good work.

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09/23/2016 3:05am

I think art therapy might be very helpful. I should try it someday. Thanks.

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06/15/2017 7:46pm

Art Therapy is a great way to enhance one's self-expression, and inner voices through art. People with problems dealing with their self should engage in this kind of therapy. Art is a way to be free, free from stress and free from fears. You can do anything with art and there are no limits to it. I recommend Art Therapy for everyone. However, it saddens me to know that only a few people knew this kind of activity. I think there should be more institutions that offer this kind of therapy. This will really help a person physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

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10/11/2016 8:11am

How do you count all the breath you have been taking in your life? That's amazing.

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10/11/2016 8:13am

Expansion is a good process for individuality. It means that you improve your skills.

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01/08/2017 5:08am

Creativity is the way to make yourself comfortable and attentive, those painting art is very creative and you share about it in detail which is quite impressive. I think art therapy might be very helpful.

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