I am very, VERY tired this week (and last).
Dragging my butt through day after day, workout after workout, thinking I just had to kick myself into high gear...
Most who know me already know... and for others who did not know this yet- this Saturday, May 10, would have been the eighteenth birthday of our third child, second son, Cassady. 
Cassady was a full term, over ten pound baby boy. His heart fluttered but a few beats on its own, and the remainder of his time here, in our midst- the briefest of existences- was spent on life support. Until we were informed that we had to make the call as to whether the tubes and lifelines should be removed.
Though I remember that moment as one of the most difficult decisions of our lives, it was really very simple. Cassady was an infant body. It seemed when I held him, that his soul had kissed me, and was gone. There was no essence, life- force, prana, to hold him to this plane. His brief appearance was a life lesson, of the fleeting and precarious nature of our existence, that nobody wants to be given. And it touched us, and those around us to a depth that still ripples beyond. 
I mark the day with the 'family birthday cake', planting a perennial, and a reflective pace. And my body remembers.

I will continue to sketch/ watercolour, play with words, and allow the quiet introspection that comes with this anniversary to be my guide this week. 

I wrote a poem a number of years ago that still feeds my tired body on this  sad occasion:

On Being With the Dead and Dying                        

Whispers to my Son in the Night

Ode to the love, my small child-

And to the pain- joy, laughter and grief

That your spark has endowed.

Your body breathed, only

The essence of artificial life-

Man- made air forced through your tiny lungs

With masks and tubes.

וְרוּחַ אֱלֹהִים, מְרַחֶפֶת עַל-פְּנֵי הַמָּיִם.

Breath of the divine

Grazed over the top of your head.

It met my lips,

As I memorized the feeling of your downy head

With my kiss.

I gave your cold, small body,

Purpling and bluish,

To the tender hearts of my young children.

Their hands reached out for you,

Cold against cold,

Souls aching in unison,

We chanted our pain.

Birthed into love,

Buried with love.

Your   transitory encounter with this life-

The definition of pure love.

And still,

Your brief appearance on this plane,

Intersecting our lives,

And forever changing our experience of this worldly existence;

Brings purpose to our lives.

I have held, in my own hands,

The ephemeral-

The fleeting moment when life is given

And then, is gone.

One heart beating it’s fluttery rhythm,

Devoid of prana,

You have given me the gift of the deepest wisdom.

*The Hebrew text above translates as: And the spirit of god blew across the face of the water.

And so, my art, my words, my reflection for the remainder of this week will focus on the profound joy, AND grief, that all of my children and granddaughter ignite within me. My work will stand as a prayer, of sorts, for the safe passage of my loved ones through this life. (But not SO safe that they don't brush up against the experiences that teach us such deep love. I wish I could spare them from grief, but, of course, I cannot.)
I will TRY to be gentle with myself- my body remembers.
EAT birthday cake, dance and cry... 
For this week, my intention will be to feel this very human existence, in its pain and reverie.

Please comment, email, FB your thoughts.


05/06/2014 3:49pm

Oh Yona. I can remember almost every part of that day and the days after. I remember hugs and words and silence. And I can remember the grief I felt. Now a mother, I remember that day and I hold you and your family that much closer. This post slowed me down and I let the tears flow for you and Cam and Marin and Charlotte. And Cassady. Love and light and blessings. Now and always.

10/11/2016 8:24am

What a beautiful words you have for me! thanks. Always yours.

05/06/2014 4:40pm

Danica- thank you so much for your response. And thank you for remembering Cassady.
I can't believe it's been 18 years- as his birthday approaches it feels like yesterday.

Shelley Jacobs
05/06/2014 5:06pm

Big hugs to you Yona.You are one of the strongest people I know. I love you, friend.

05/06/2014 9:06pm

Beautiful reflection Yona. I just can't believe it's almost been 18 years since baby Cassady touched so many lives. Reading your post brought about a flood of tears and emotions. While I remember the grief, pain and sadness of that day like it was yesterday, I also have very fond memories of friendship, support and love. Thinking about you, Cam, Char, Marin, Cassady and Ryder and sending my love during this difficult week. Big hugs!

05/07/2014 7:17am

Thank you to all who have sent me messages of loving support.
It DOES lighten the feelings of grief to know that there are so many who reach out to help us stand.
much love...

05/07/2014 8:02am

Beautiful post, Yona. Much love from our family to yours.

05/07/2014 7:34pm

I will hold you and Cam in my heart this week Yona....as you remember and feel the loss.

05/08/2014 2:10pm

Beautiful words Yona-
Such heartfelt and emotional thoughts are in your poem...
It is so brave of you to face this each year and to go through all of the emotions that it conjures.
I hold you all closely as you remember Cassady.

06/21/2016 7:19am

There may be noticeably a bundle to learn about this. I assume you made certain nice points in options also.

10/11/2016 8:23am

I must agree with you. I'm tired this week and the past. This was a hard part.

10/11/2016 8:26am

I want to see the complete sketch work. Do you find it successful?

09/23/2017 7:19am

Beauti Queen amazing kolkata escorts agency alwyas ready for you at your doorstep. Beauti Queen provide you high profile independent girl in kolkata, escorts service in kolkata, kolkata escorts. If you are looking for the ultimate encounter in Kolkata then I am your sophisticated young Kolkata escorts that provides upscale companionship for making your night becomes true.

09/27/2017 3:27am

Welcome Guys| http://www.gurgaondivas.com/. We are providing Best Escort Service in Gurgaon with affordable rates, just call us for Hi profile Call Girls in Gurgaon . Contact us for Call Girl in Gurgaon. 9971089475

09/28/2017 10:59am

We are offering High Class educated & attractive call girls service in Connaught place. Contact me for booking any time anywhere in Connaught place our incall and outcall both facility available in Delhi NCR. High class independent escort girl in Connaught place, mature escort girl in Connaught place, russian call girl and Indian high profile house wife available 24x7.

09/28/2017 4:24pm

Offering Gurgaon escorts High Profile & well educated,Models with attractive personality call girls service in Gurgaon. for booking call any where any time in Gurgoan City. Our sexy girls here with us at Escorts in Gurgaon often like to be reserved and are not dependent on anyone. Service is 24x7 available.

10/02/2017 7:01am

Jiya Roy is a high class luxury and premium independent escorts agency in Gurgaon offering sexy independent escort Girls, models and cheap rate call girls for incalls and outcalls and travel arrangements. Female companions available 24/7 for business events, tour guide and much more.

10/03/2017 7:02am

Gurgaonfemales.in offers highly educated model from Gurgaon and best Escorts service in Gurgaon through some of its sizzling Independent escorts in Gurgaon Call Girls who are available to customers 24*7.

10/09/2017 4:17am

Renu Das Kolkata Escorts Services has gorgeous females provides Independent Escorts Service in Kolkata call girls at 100% satisfaction with VIP models.

12/09/2017 12:17am

Gurgaon Divas Escorts Services- Aruna roy offers female independent escort service in Gurgaon to fulfill all your sensual desires. amazing Gurgaon escorts services who is always ready for you at your doorstep. Gurgaon escorts girls always been provide only the finest escort from around Gurgaon.We offer personal touch, using our elite escorts service

01/07/2018 2:54am

Delhi-Divas amazing Delhi escorts who is always ready for you at your doorstep. Hurry up to avail the most seductive independent escorts in Delhi. Delhi-Divas escorts agency is providing you with High Quality and Verified girl in Delhi, escorts service in delhi, delhi escorts.

01/17/2018 4:45am

Hello Guys I am Ankita Malik, we are offering very aphrodisiacs female independent Housewife, Russian Call Girls in all over escorts services in Gurgaon/Gurugram at all VIP places. For sex dating with high class accommodation facility also. 24x7 hours available with best service. So book me through on this website- http://www.ankitamalik.co.in/

01/24/2018 8:24am

Hi i am Jenisha Pandey high profile independent collage girl in Gurgaon. we are provide escorts service in gurgaon, gurgaon escorts, escorts in Gurgaon if you are captivating for an independent escorts Call Girls visit www.jenishapandey.com for your naughty desire I am always available 24x7 for your all sexual desire.

01/31/2018 10:33pm

Ergo chairs and table, Unlimited Fibr with Fibr Backup Internet, Unlimited use of conference room (1st come 1st served),


Riya Chaudhary is an Independent Delhi Escort girl, who offers dazzling hot Delhi Escorts Service, incall or outcall services both to complete your dreams in real entertainment. We offers high class Independent Escorts in Delhi at Riya Chaudhary Delhi Escorts service agency for elite peoples in the city to avail ultimate satisfaction. you can spend your beautiful moments.


Leave a Reply